{"id":5232,"date":"2019-06-15T09:09:35","date_gmt":"2019-06-15T07:09:35","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.blog.neoprog.eu\/?p=5232"},"modified":"2019-06-15T09:09:35","modified_gmt":"2019-06-15T07:09:35","slug":"le-malabar","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.blog.neoprog.eu\/index.php\/2019\/06\/15\/le-malabar\/","title":{"rendered":"Le malabar"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Dans ma famille nous n\u2019avons jamais \u00e9t\u00e9 franchement des athl\u00e8tes, en partie \u00e0 cause d’une mauvaise image v\u00e9hicul\u00e9e par mes parents concernant le sport, \u00ab\u00a0les footeux sont des abrutis\u00a0\u00bb. Ceci dit, ils n’avaient pas totalement tord \u00e0 ce sujet. Les chewing-gums poss\u00e9daient \u00e0 peu de chose pr\u00e8s la m\u00eame aura, ceux qui m\u00e2chent ressemblent \u00e0 de grosses vaches. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Du coup je ne suis jamais devenu un malabar pas plus que je n’en ai m\u00e2ch\u00e9. J\u2019ai tout de m\u00eame fini par nager, courir, jouer au tennis de table avant que le corps me supplie d\u2019arr\u00eater. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Pour les chewing-gums, je viens \u00e0 peine de commencer, ruminant toute la journ\u00e9e comme une vache. Pour \u00eatre honn\u00eate, je ne trouve pas cela tr\u00e8s bon, ni m\u00eame agr\u00e9able, cela engourdit ma m\u00e2choire en peu de temps. Pourtant je m\u00e2che, consciencieusement, faisant attention cependant \u00e0 ne pas avaler la petite boule collante lorsque je bois mes trois litres d\u2019eau quotidiens pour aider mon rein \u00e0 fonctionner. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Pourquoi m\u00e2chouiller ainsi du matin jusqu\u2019au soir ? D\u2019abord, rassurez-vous, ce n\u2019est pas tous les jours, mais environ une vingtaine d\u2019heure par semaine, ce qui est d\u00e9j\u00e0 pas si mal. Pourquoi, alors que j\u2019ai des chicots en mauvais \u00e9tat, je m\u2019oblige \u00e0 torturer mes plombages et m\u2019infliger ce go\u00fbt atroce de menthe synth\u00e9tique ? Pour ne pas puer de la gueule ? Non, figurez-vous que je me brosse les dents trois fois par jour et ce consciencieusement. En r\u00e9alit\u00e9, ceci est une nouvelle exp\u00e9rience th\u00e9rapeutique. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Si si, tr\u00e8s s\u00e9rieusement je vous l\u2019assure. Lorsque des m\u00e9decins vous prescrivent de la morphine, vous sugg\u00e8re l\u2019usage du cannabis et vous envoie en consultation dans un centre antidouleurs, vous \u00eates m\u00fbr pour exp\u00e9rimenter \u00e0 peu pr\u00e8s tout. M\u00eame les boules de gum. Me voici donc en pleine th\u00e9rapie masticatoire et cela semble fonctionner, aussi improbable qu\u2019il puisse para\u00eetre. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ma ch\u00e9rie \u00e0 vu \u00e7a \u00e0 la t\u00e9l\u00e9vision, une femme qui, souffrant comme moi, avec les m\u00eames sympt\u00f4mes, m\u00e2chait du chewing-gum pour se soulager. Dingue ! Mais soulager de quoi au juste ? De mon arthrose, de mon hernie discale, de ma bosse sur le gros orteil, de ma connerie, de mon sale caract\u00e8re ? <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Non, juste de mes migraines, ces crises qui me clouent au lit, dans le noir, vomissant mes tripes un \u00e0 deux jours par semaine si je ne prends pas un triptan qui m\u2019enl\u00e8ve un jour d\u2019esp\u00e9rance de vie \u00e0 chaque fois. Lorsque la crise arrive, je mets dans la bouche le chewing-gum \u00e0 la menthe et je m\u00e2che, m\u00e2che, m\u00e2che, comme une vache. Je bois aussi des litres pour bien hydrater la b\u00eate et j\u2019essaye autant que faire ce peut de me reposer. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ne r\u00eavons pas, je ne suis pas au top de ma forme, un peu l\u00e9gume, barbouill\u00e9, avec des vertiges, la t\u00eate qui cogne, mais pas franchement plus qu\u2019apr\u00e8s un triptan qui me transforme en zombie bancal pour vingt-quatre heures. Qui aurait cru que ce machin collant qui pollue les trottoirs, les semelles de chaussures et les dessous de table, pourrait se r\u00e9v\u00e9ler un puissant anti-douleur ?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Je ne suis jamais devenu un malabar pas plus que je n’en ai m\u00e2ch\u00e9. 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